How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

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Coast
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How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Coast » Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:48 am

It all started on November 26, 1917. The NHL was formed in an effort to unite the world's greatest hockey players in one league. Hockey Players from around the world began traveling to Canada and USA in an effort to prove they have what it takes to be the best. Hockey is known for legendary players such as Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, and Alex Ovechkin. These players have proven to the world they have what it takes to dominate the game, and lead their respective teams and countries to victory. Now let me ask you all a question. Can you name 3 goalies who have changed the game? I think not - and I'm here to change that.

Born on a frozen lake in the middle of Nova Scotia, Canada a young boy would be known as the worlds greatest Starcraft 2 hockey goalie. His name was Coast, and the only goals he has ever let through were from lag (I swear). His legendary glove work, and perfection of shield timings strikes fear into the hearts of his opponents. I'm here today to share my tactics on how I earned the nickname "The Pucking Killer." Let's get started.

Step 1: Always shield. Even when the puck isn't on your side spam the shit out of shield. It will overwhelm the opposition with doubt, and will make yourself appear much more confident than your opponents. It's basically saying you're the alpha-dog, and no one can intimidate you. If you ever allow your shield to sit on cooldown for more than a half a second, you're doing something wrong.

Step 2. Aggressiveness is the key to victory. You have three grandmaster players storming at you while your team is spinning around in a circle singing children songs. Do you cower in the back of your net and hope you magically block it? NOPE! You stand your fucking ground, and charge those assholes. You don't give a damn because you're an alpha-dog. You proceed to steal the puck which is rightfully yours, and you skate and score yourself. Who needs a team anyways when you're a boss ass bitch?

Step 3. Bad manners are essential. Team blue is ahead of team red by 9001 points (God damnit glazed), and a member of the red team says in all chat "NICE SHOT, MAN!" "I hope to be as cool as you when I grow up!" WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! When you compliment the other team they view you as pathetic, and weak. They also gain confidence from your compliments. When the other team scores you tell that fucker off. For example - The lag is picking up, and Leeroy cheats to score on Coast. Do I tell him nice shot? No. Here is how the conversation should go. "HEY, BITCH. WHY DON'T YOU TURN OFF YOUR LAG-SWITCH BEFORE I KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT." By displaying dominance Leeroy starts to doubt himself, and will without a doubt struggle throughout the remainder of the game.

Step 4. Remember - It's not just a game.

Well, I hope you all can gain some skill from my advice. Although I covered a large majority of the game; I do offer private lessons for $5000.00 USD/hour, and promise you will dominate the game. Message me if you're interested.

(PS: This guide was intended as satire)
Last edited by Coast on Sat May 03, 2014 12:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Hunter
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Hunter » Wed Feb 05, 2014 7:18 am

I have a lot of names for this kid....
Hunter
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Hunter » Wed Feb 05, 2014 7:23 am

He is a ripoff and this section needs to be deleted
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Coast
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Coast » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:06 am

Hunter wrote:He is a ripoff and this section needs to be deleted
You didn't honestly take this thread seriously?
Right?
Right?
Oh....



If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son, but you got 99 problems and failing to understand sarcasm is one.
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by DirtyAppomattox » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:49 am

+1 LMAO great post.
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Cafca » Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:44 am

Jacques Plante: First to ever wear a goalie mask in NHL hsitory
Sean
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Sean » Sat Mar 01, 2014 5:09 pm

Coast...the same person who was helping Korvin with Probes vs Zealot?
...I'm just sayin so don't be hatin.
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by ZachSmack » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:28 pm

The post made me chuckle... good job Coast, if being a goalie doesn't work out (Which of course it will work out) you could always be a comedian.
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Whirlwiind » Thu Mar 13, 2014 12:02 pm

Well sorry Hunt I have been taking this advice for a week now. Wait if ur on the other team and I am complementing you........ I MEAN FUK OFF! Jk you're on my team :D
"The lag is real" - Gandhi
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Coast
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Re: How to play goalie - A guide by a pro Goalie.

Post by Coast » Sat May 03, 2014 12:02 am

Sean wrote:Coast...the same person who was helping Korvin with Probes vs Zealot?
Yeah, I'm the owner of Probes vs Zealot 2. I occasionally play Zealot Hockey in my free-time.
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